Weekend Coffee Share: Time to Mourn

Good afternoon,

Forgive my yawning, first of all. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. And probably won’t tonight. Oh well. At least I have K-cups. Help yourself. 

Now then,

I hope you don’t mind, but I want to address something that happened while on vacation. I asked on Facebook if anyone heard from my dad. This time last year, one of my aunts passed away. The family felt the loss in many ways. I assumed my dad did the most. Anyway, I posted the question in hopes that members of my family respond with something positive. I got a lot of criticism instead because I used my dad’s first name. Some took it as a sign of disrespect. I meant none, but such is the issue with social media. I removed the status last night. 

As I think about it now, I should have asked certain members of my family through Facebook Messenger. But you know how hindsight is, right?

I asked about my dad because I don’t hear from him for long periods of time. There was a moment where he called me once a month. Twice, if I was lucky. Then, he stopped calling. He wrote a letter to me once, but nothing more. The last time I saw him was in 2012. I passed through East St. Louis on a trip to visit one of my grandmothers. I wanted him to meet my wife and daughter in person. Truth be told, though, I felt a need to talk about how the divorce affected me. The day before I left for Chicago, I rode with him as he ran errands, but didn’t share. I wanted to talk to him about how I tried to build a broken relationship for years, only to be shot down. I didn’t. I regret that decision. 

Now whenever I think about him, there’s no love. No compassion. No chance for forgiveness. But I need to let these things go. My family suggested I write a letter and send it to him. I hesitated for years because I had no clue what to say. But as I think about my dad and the Facebook status I posted, the more I feel the urge to write it. I feel the words coming to me. How long it will be? It doesn’t matter. I just need to pour my soul into it. I need to express how much disdain I have for him. The letter needs to happen. I need to “bury” him and what’s left of my relationship, which is nonexistent.

I’m sorry for bogging you down with my issue. I know that’s not what you came for. Still, I’m glad you stuck around. I hope things went well for you. Let me know in the comments. 

Until next time…


9 thoughts on “Weekend Coffee Share: Time to Mourn

  1. Do it, write to your dad. I just read a very sad post about people who have lost all contact with their dads.

    As far as social media goes, I see people using their parents’ first name all of the time. Of course, typically I’ll do it if I want to have my mom tagged, but it is such a thing that I might put my dad’s name down even though he doesn’t use FB. I don’t think it’s disrespectful in those instances.


  2. Using his first name is completely your right. It is how the relationship dynamic is defined for you, and those in your family who don’t get that, don’t get that. It’s not about them, though. It’s about the two of you, and your feelings are valid and real and personal. I agree about writing the letter. I’ve done this – both with writing and sending, writing and burning, and writing and keeping “just in case”. It can be a great value to you as you work through those complicated feelings. Another idea is to write a letter you your younger self. Tell him how things turn out and forgive him any of his part of it. *hugs*


  3. Don’t apologize. We’re your friends and we’re here to support you. I’m glad you’ve made a decision, and it sounds like it’s the right decision for you. The older I get, the more I’m convinced that true family is the family we choose instead of the one we’re born with. Hope your weekend is a good one! Happy Easter!


  4. I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. I also have a family member that I no longer have any contact with and it’s very hard, so I know how difficult this time must be for you. I hope that things begin to get better for you and I’m sending positive thoughts in your direction.


  5. Write the letter. Write out all of the emotions. Say everything you want to say. It may be very cathartic for you. You can decide if you want to send it or not. I think only your heart will know that answer.


  6. Man, but people can be rude on social media. I’m sorry people responded that way to your post.

    It sounds like it’s been a tough road, and I think a letter would work. It’s something you can mull over, rewrite, and really decide what you want to say, as opposed to a phone call, which is more immediate and overwhelming emotions can quickly surface. Good luck with your letter writing.


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