The Candy Whisperer

I bring to you a humorous Halloween story. At least, I hope it’s humorous.


“Can you believe this?”

Duncan sat slouched in his office chair as his wife Elise reported what she saw on the news. Reporters were at a convenience store in downtown Athens where the winning ticket was sold. He shook his head in disbelief, sucking his teeth while typing away at his keyboard.

“Do they know who got the winning ticket?”

“No,” Elise replied. “It’s a complete mystery. But the cashier said she was held up at gunpoint and he took all the lottery slips, then paid for them with his own money.”

Duncan raised himself from his slouching position. His eyes bugged out.

“That’s certainly different.”

He could hear the faint voice of the TV nearby Elise. The reporter spoke about how the police were tracking the suspect.

“And to think,” Duncan said, “all that money he won and he’ll never see a cent.”

“How do you know the suspect’s a he? It could be a she for all we know.”

“I doubt it.”

“Think about it,” Elise said. “I’m the money manager in the family. I create the budget. I set up our nest egg. But you squander it all on what? Candy? Jewelry? Tickets? We hardly have anything in savings now because of you. And I bet every wife in the neighborhood feels the same way.”

Duncan just shrugged off her ranting, rocking in his chair.

“And for what? Your mistress?”

At that moment, the rocking stopped. His cheeks bloomed red and there was a shaking in his eyes. He could hear the heavy breathing over the phone.

“Yeah, don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing with our money. I see the receipts. I see all the money you take out of our account. We’re down to zero because of you and that mistress! You think you’re so slick, don’t you?”

He set the phone down. A wave of terror flooded over him. Flabbergasted, he opened his drawer and took out a box. He tried to slip his fingers through the flaps so as to not bring attention to himself.

“You’re with her right now, aren’t you?”

Duncan slid the box across his desk to the back of his monitor.

“No! You’re being paranoid.”

“No, I’m not!”

Elise’s voice turned fiery. He slipped his hand out of the box.

“I’m not being paranoid and you’re a dummy if you think I didn’t just hear you with her. Just face the facts. You’re addicted to her.”

Duncan cupped his hand over the mic. He swerved around, making sure no one heard her accusations. He racked his brain as to finding some way out of this indictment. Just then, he saw his boss making the rounds.

“Hon, the boss is coming. Gotta go.”

“Fine. We’ll talk about this when you get home.”

Duncan hung up the phone. His fingers were at a fever pitch typing away on the keyboard. His boss lay his hand across his shoulder. Duncan felt shivers all over his body.

“Good work.”

Duncan slouched back in his chair once he left. Breathing a sigh of relief, he reached for the box and began to pour a handful of rainbow colored candy. He tossed it in his mouth. The despair quickly turned into ecstasy with every chew.

“We’re never breaking up,” he whispered.


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